Tag Archives: Relationship Goals

#BombshellCode, Confessions, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

What came first, the relationship or the egg?

March 28, 2016 Liberata Leave a comment

Okay, so forgive the Easter pun here.

But since today’s holiday is basically centered around the idea of someone rising from the dead, I cant think of anything that’s harder for our generation to believe in than…

love.

Its true- we find the idea of love harder to grasp than the idea of someone rising from the dead. Because we also happen to be a generation where many find entertainment in preparing for a zombie apocalypse. So not only do we believe in it, we’re pretty much banking on it.

And honestly, the odds of me surviving an apocalypse are probably far better than my odds of getting married. Or at least, getting married one time and having that marriage last forever. And that’s pretty discouraging considering my only plan for zombie survival involves barricading myself in Barney’s, and happily living out the rest of my existence in couture. If time permits, I might even hit up a liquor store beforehand.

No, really- that’s pretty much my plan. So if you want to join me, bring food.

But back to my original point- Today, its love that has somehow become the miracle, where we need to see it to truly believe it.

But how will we even know it when we see it? In other words, what comes first- the relationship, or the love? Being someone that was raised on the idea that loves come first, I’ve pretty much gone through life expecting to meet someone, and somehow just knowing that they were “the one”. You know, the whole “love at first sight” theory. Except it hasn’t happened yet. So its made me think that maybe love isn’t something that is quite so instant and obvious. Maybe love is something that is brought slowly to life over the course of a relationship, through a series of shared experiences and consistency. In which case, maybe love is simply the byproduct of trust?

So what does happen when we meet someone? Maybe its not love at first sight, but its something, right? There has to be some reason that makes you want to continue seeing someone. Or at the very least, continue to eat food with them (since that’s what a lot of dating is). Maybe it is love at first sight, or… maybe its just lust. Or maybe, there’s just something about them, recognizable only to you. Researchers have suggested pheromones could be the culprit- apparently we all have our own unique scent, that only our “person” is able to detect. So not only do you have a fingerprint, you also have an “odorprint”. Which means love could literally be in the air between two people. Romantic? Yes. Helpful? Not so much, since sniffing someone is considered rude. Plus, these scents are generally undetectable, and only reach us on a subconscious level.

Moving on.

Maybe many of us have simply lost our belief in love as a result of our unrealistic expectations? Everything about our society today is based on instant gratification. Results need to be immediate for anything to be considered a victory. Where patience was once considered a virtue, its now no longer something we’ll even consider. We invest in liposuction over a gym membership, fast food over cooking, texts over phone calls, and one night stands over relationships. So why wouldn’t our feelings eventually begin to work on the same demanding schedule? Instead of getting to know someone over time, and slowly falling in love with the person for who they really are, we force the process and “fall in love” with the idea of who we want them to be.

I think I’m on to something here…

Going from personal experience, I have been a victim of this pattern countless times. And I’ll justify my use of the word “victim” here in just a second. You see, I’m not a serial dater. I just don’t see the benefit in dating more than one person at a time. One, its hard enough for me to find time to properly adult most days, let alone play games. Two, I actually enjoy learning about someone. And Three, I believe above all we need to actually be the person we want to date. So I’ll invest time with someone until it no longer works out. And this is where the word “victim” comes in. Because usually it stops working once the man I’m seeing slowly starts to morph into the man he actually is. He reverts. The impressive standard he set in the beginning with his actions begins to drastically lower. His priorities start to include things that were never a factor before. Words stop becoming actions. And finally, the things that were so consistent initially are now irrelevant. Usually the magic words “I love you” have been spoken at this point- probably as a way to deflect attention from everything else that is disappointing you. Except I never say “I love you” back- instead, I walk away.

There was no love at first sight, and there was no love created over time. In other words- he wasn’t “the one”. And no one should ever remain with someone because it feels better to them than being alone. Or because its convenient. Or worse- because you think its the kind of relationship you deserve. Obviously, its not fair to either party. But more importantly, being with the wrong person actually IS worse than being alone. Staying with the wrong person means you’re eliminating any possibility of meeting the person who IS everything you want. And that’s the most exciting idea to someone who is single. Regardless of whether love is instant or not, it is something you deserve.

So while I cant be sure what comes first- the love, or the relationship- I DO know that the presence of it is all that really matters. So keep dating. Stay positive. Have fun. Don’t let the pressures of how you think love is supposed to work determine your worth to anyone- including yourself. Walk away from anything that doesn’t make you happy.

Because when you keep your heart open and available to it, love will eventually find you. And just like your “odorprint” it will be up to you, and only you, to recognize it.

X

Confessions, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

Online Dating- Welcome to Hell

August 24, 2015 Liberata 1 Comment

If you have found yourself single at any point in time during this last century, then you have no doubt put yourself through the ultimate form of social torture we call online dating.

You also probably did this because you heard about a friend of a friend, who somehow found the man of their dreams this way. They bonded over their mutual love for wine tastings and cooking, and the wedding is this fall. Apparently, it was love at first site. Its the adult urban legend.

But that was all you needed to hear as you mentally wrote out your “About Me”. You picture someone with the charm of George Clooney and the abs of Channing Tatum reaching out to you, begging to take you out for dinner. Obviously it will be love at first sight, and blissfully you’ll delete your accounts, together, while watching the sunset. And then YOU will be the next success story, told by your friend to another friend.

Except it hardly ever works out that way. Let me just clarify that for you now.

Now, I’m not saying there aren’t success stories. There really are people in my life getting married as a result. Think of the toast- “It all began when John sent Jane a wink…”. But I AM saying that there are a lot of horror stories that you must first be willing to subject yourself to first.

In a world oversaturated by social media, we could only expect that our love lives would eventually become involved. It is no longer suspected, but rather expected now that before a first date, your name has already been googled, your Facebook stalked, and all previous boyfriends sized up.

And as a result, your first impression was made looooong before you even set eyes on each other.

Suddenly it doesn’t seem so romantic now, does it?

As you may have already guessed, I myself am on a dating site. Though I am slightly unusual in the sense that I only belong to one. Current statistics will show most people join at least 3. I’m not sure where exactly people find the time for that, but I applaud their efforts (that is, hopefully, its effort and not just the desperation to get laid). Like most young professionals, I made the decision to join because I was “busy”. And MAJORLY over the bar scene. Plus, it seemed like a harmless way to put yourself out there without having to actually put yourself out there. At first it was kind of like window shopping for men.

It. Was. Awesome.

I could look all I wanted, communicate only if I was interested, and ultimately save myself A LOT of time. And bad dates.

Except men aren’t shoes. And judging someone off of a self-written profile is about as stupid as believing their pictures accurately describe how they will really look in person. No, seriously. I learned pretty quickly that 6 ft really means 5’10. Athletic Build really means Average, and Average really means A Few Extra Pounds. Oh- and 36 sometimes meant he’s turning 40 next month. Sometimes even 45 (ew…). But even if all the information wasn’t totally accurate, it was still enough to paint a general picture of someone in my mind. It was still enough for me to decide whether or not I wanted to try him on for size, so to speak. And as a result, I found myself becoming way too critical, judging men solely on their looks and/or jobs. Receiving tons of messages, I responded only to those that met my standards. And that was exactly how I realized my standards were bullshit.

So its no surprise that the dates I did go on were terrible. Well, most of them. I actually did meet some great people, some of which are still good friends. But in all fairness- I didn’t join to make friends. I joined for the hope of meeting “the one”. My potential other half. Because I want to be part of a true Power Couple- both hustling and living their dreams, together.

But all I really found were the exact types of men I purposely avoided in my day to day life: men that were womanizers, men that just wanted to get laid, men that were rebounding, men that were lazy… and even men that were only looking for green cards. And yes- you read that right.

So why do we continue to use them? Well that’s easy- because we have no other choice. The days of meeting your future husband in the grocery store are over. You can stop fantasizing about running into him in line at Starbucks. Forget locking eyes with him at Happy Hour. And why is that? Because he will most likely be looking at his phone, checking his inbox, flirting with 15 different girls on his 3 separate accounts, musing about who will put out first as he breezes right past you. Or because you’ll be too busy looking at yours, texting the same loser for the last week who’s really just too uninterested in you to commit to an actual date to even notice anyone else. Because we no longer live in the present, and instead fixate on any other form of communicating with one another other than actual communication.

And so even though my results have been less than impressive, my profile still exists. Even if its only for the sake of dating etiquette- if you’re single, its expected. In fact, its really the only way to declare yourself as “available” to others. Because its the only way people even know how to even inquire.

And really- because I still believe in the possibility.

That’s right.

Just the other night that belief was reaffirmed when I took a chance and met someone for coffee. I was already exhausted, and it would have been easy for me just to pass. But at the same time, I knew if I didn’t continue to try, I might as well just accept a life full of being exhausted now. And I’m NOT the girl who quits. And guess what? For the first time in a long time I was able to simply enjoy ones company. No drinking, no bragging, no interview-style questions. Just two people, in the moment, with the simple desire to learn more about one another (and in the end, maybe rip each others clothes off too- lets be serious here). And while there’s no telling where it will go, and too early to even guess, it was enough to restore my faith in the whole process. Enough to believe we are still capable of focusing on one individual, and for the right reasons. That we can still communicate, person to person. That we can connect- and in so many amazing ways (ways that your phone certainly cant do for you…). And while I still have visions of deleting my profile for good, it wont be because I simply gave up- It will be an act of no longer declaring myself as available. Sunset optional.

X

#BombshellCode, Confessions, Dating, Intro, Model Life

Confessions: Intro

July 15, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

…

Confession 1:

The Intro

…

Yes, yes- I know. I promised you when this fabulous site first launched that I would be open and honest about my own personal love life. And I think now is the perfect time to begin that process.

You see, a very large motivating factor for this very site is my perpetual habit of choosing men that are SO wrong for me. Like, really wrong. Like, so wrong that my own Mom gave up any kind of hope a long time ago. And lets be honest- if I made logical decisions on whom I dated, I doubt I would be nearly as interesting. Or scarred (literally). And think of all the awesome experiences I would have missed out on. Like finding out the guy you’ve been dating for a month is married. Or being bit by an overly intoxicated date (I really wasn’t joking about the scar). And then there’s the closet Jesus freak that compared me to a prostitute (thank you POF!). How about the guy that freaked out on me, and then blamed it on his preventative hair-loss medication…

By now, I have enough experience to supply complete storylines for at least 3 movies. Except none of them come with Fairytale endings. Yet. No, they’re probably more like horror films. And clearly I’m like the dumb, slutty blonde character that always dies in the end because she runs the (very obvious) wrong way.

You would think I’d learn by now…

Which brings me to my topic.

After years of dating, and with no real relationships to really show for it, it makes me wonder- Are we all willing to keep putting ourselves out there because we’re addicted to love? Or just the rush of dating to find someone better?

Lets go back to the old boring way people used to do it. There was no internet, no texting, no Joe Manganiello. I mean, that’s enough right there for me to hate things. But yet, I think people were at their happiest when it came to dating. They didn’t have a whole world of potential partners to choose from- they had their hometown. They didn’t initiate contact with weeks of texting before “hanging out”. They went on actual dates. Together. Without any prior knowledge of each other that they gathered from Facebook and Google. Like, whoa.

And for those still not quite sure what this mythical term means, “Dating” was considered a formal act of courtship. A clear first step in determining if you guys were going to get hitched down the road. They went to places like drive-ins. Probably because the only action they could even hope for HAD to take place during the actual date itself- because going home with the other person at the end of the night wasn’t even an option. Hence why you actually had to GO TO PLACES SPECIFICALLY TO MAKEOUT. Where other couples were making out around you (Ew…). And then you waited for a phone call. Like, really waited. By a phone that was connected to a wall. For days (which would be like weeks today). And that was code for “You are now in consideration for future hitching”.

Awesome.

Take my parents, for instance- they met at a party… and never left each others side. They grew up in the same town. Met through mutual friends. Fell in love. And STAYED in love. As a bonus, they even got me out of the deal. Again- Awesome.

And since we’re on that note, lets look at me. It seems the fact that I have remained single is so unexplainable to my friends. No one can understand it. Or when I meet someone new…..

I often get stared at in wonder by family the same way people probably look at crop circles. How? Why? Should we be afraid?? After all, I come from a good, balanced family. My childhood was almost TOO perfect. There are no tragic incidents from my past to report. I have a college degree. A great career. BAD shopping habits (it cant all be sunshine and roses…). I’m healthy… Intelligent… Happy…

So…. whats wrong with me?

The answer- Absolutely nothing.

I’m just an example, or by-product even, of dating by today’s standards. Or rather, lack thereof. I’m an example of someone addicted to the thrill of the hunt and driven by personal challenge. Men are trophies. Sex is power. And feelings, if you even have any, are disposable. Terrified at the thought of missing out on someone better, I never want to get too attached.

Okay, so I’m not totally ALL of those things. Not all together. Because that would make me a frigid bitch that’s incapable of love. If anything, I’m the exact opposite. I look for it so hard that I ignore all the signs that are screaming for me to run. And yet I don’t. Because I’m the dumb blonde that always runs the wrong way, remember? But I can probably directly link one or more of those reasons to most of, if not all, of my past relationships.

And speaking of which, lets look at some of those, shall we?

*As a side note to the men of my past who might find themselves reading this- relax. Your identity is safe. This isn’t a Burn Book, and you’re not that special. But it IS my honest opinion. So deal with it.

Now, I cant possibly write about all the great ~~loves~~ of my life in one post. I feel like I would be cheating you from some pretty epic examples of “Oh no he didn’t!!” moments. And those moments are exactly what you came here for. And just to set the record straight- I’m no angel myself. But most of you probably already guessed that.

So instead, I’ll share these stories with you individually. In the form of “Confessions”. Confessions to my past addictions (also known as “men”), and the lessons that came with them. Because like any good drug, they all had some euphoric hold on me. And then eventually left me strung out and exhausted. Some even left me ashamed. Others craving another hit. Some I went multiple rounds with. Some I hope to never lay eyes on again. Ever.

So get ready. Because honesty is always the best policy….

Sorry I’m not sorry.

#BombshellCode

X

“There’s nothing wrong with getting dirty when you clean up well.”

#BombshellCode, Dating, Model Life

Going Ghost: Today’s “I’m Just Not That Into You”

July 13, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

…

We all remember the episode. The iconic words spoken by the one and only Jack Berger to explain one of the greatest mysteries still numbing the female mind today. The mystery of dating someone you presume to be amazing. Someone who obviously finds you equally amazing. This is followed by the mystery of that very same person suddenly becoming (and staying) too busy for you. Till finally, here comes the wine filled investigation with your best P.I.’s/girlfriends on why- Maybe he really is busy? Nope. He scared of commitment? LOL. Maybe he’s sick? Wrong again. Maybe he’s out of town? Possibly- if the new town he’s visiting is named Veronica. And then of course, no girl rally is ever complete without someone fiercely declaring “It’s not you, it’s him!”. Well, that’s partially correct… because really…

“He’s just not that into you…”

And boom. Everything made sense. Just like that. 6 honest words was all it took for confused women around the globe to shove that loser out of their mind, strap on their Manolo’s, and get back in the game. No agonizing. No over analyzing. Just straight forward progression to meeting someone new. And it wasn’t because they were excited the guy didn’t like them- it was because they had CLOSURE. And logical closure at that. An understandable and relatable reason to no longer invest time or energy into someone. And then closure on your end would usually go something like this- “HE wasn’t into ME?? What an idiot. Well clearly the guy is delusional. And not to mention totally clueless on what size he actually wears. Thank God I found out now- I wonder if the Christian Grey look-a-like still goes to my Starbucks…? I need new shoes.”.

And just like that, you’re on to the next one. Not just the next one, but a sexier, funnier, smarter one. And hopefully richer. ALWAYS richer. If you’re not constantly upgrading the type of man you are dating, you are SO doing it wrong. #BombshellCode

But alas, that was then. And this… well, this is now.

Welcome to Generation Ghost.

The generation that decided just to skip the whole awkward “I’m sorry- I have to be up really early tomorrow” excuse and just straight up ignores you. This tactic can be deployed by either the male or female. Basically, whoever lost interest first, or found someone more interesting/hotter/taller/richer/dumber on Tinder. There are varying degrees of Ghosting, but in order for it to count as a full blown Ghost experience, the person must disappear out of the blue, with no logical reason or warning. I’m serious- you’re going to think they were struck by lightning. But usually a simple look at their social media will eliminate any doubt. In other words, if they can post a picture of their breakfast on Instagram, thereby confirming they still exist, but not respond to your text from 2 days ago, well… you can now consider your life the new sequel to Paranormal Activity.

…

So here comes the real question about this new phenomenon- is it good or bad? Personally, I believe the answer depends on how fast you accept it- and react to it. In one way, we have eliminated the awkward and sometimes painful last minute date cancelations. There’s no need to come up with clever excuses as to why- food poisoning/my mom is sick/I have to wash my hair/I was in a tragic car accident that left me paralyzed. Cause we all know- the more incredulous the lie, the more believable it HAS to be.

But we’re also avoiding being honest. And more importantly- communication in general. This kind of treatment can only lead to one feeling disposable. I believe that no matter what the reason, we all deserve the right to know. You don’t have to believe it, or adjust your whole life/personality as a result of it- it IS just someone’s opinion after all. Like, if someone judged me for having too many clothes, I would point and laugh, and then move on happily. To Saks. Cause NO ONE needs that kind of negativity in their life. And look at that- in addition to a new dress for your next new (hotter/richer/funnier/smarter) date, you got honesty AND closure. Fuck yeah.

But when someone goes Ghost, you have two choices. Choice #1, you can be smart and recognize it. And I mean quickly. I’m not saying you should assume this is the case because a whole day went by without a text. But I WOULD say that you should start doing damage control and accept this could be the case. What you DO NOT do is start sending text after text. Which brings us to Choice #2, refusing to accept that anyone could be dumb enough to lose interest in you. So you’re going to spend the next few weeks over analyzing, texting, and feeling bad about yourself while figuring out what you did wrong. The fact is, someone IS dumb enough to lose interest in you. And that’s exactly how you have to look at it. That’s the thing with Ghosts- there will never be solid proof. Just a bunch of urban legends as to why he disappeared.

…

Regardless of which route you take, this is the biggest challenge with Ghosting- the risk of OR belief in the Ghost coming back to life. With no closure, you can never really be sure. I mean, maybe he really WAS sick with the flu. For 3 months. With no ability to make contact cause he also had the Chicken Pox. And had to wear oven mitts. So he couldn’t text. I KNEW IT!!

Yep. He must be your Prince Charming. It just took 3 months worth of other women for him to see it.

You get my point? And just in case you’re still painfully unaware of the obvious, let me clarify- once someone goes Ghost, there is no coming back. Ever. Even Pet Cemetery couldn’t resuscitate this relationship. So exercise the demons. Preferably with a new man who actually does adore you. And puts you first. And puts all your fears of the paranormal at rest.

Take ownership and see the relationship, however long or short, for what it really was. Was it REALLY all that incredible? Or just convenient. Or maybe a little of both. Either way, chances are you’re going to look back and it will make sense as to why it didn’t work. And yes, a simple “Because he was a dick” is fine.

But finally, here is some good news with Ghosts. Unlike cheaters, ghosting is not an actual characteristic trait. So the whole “Once a cheater, always…” theory doesn’t apply here. It is still believed by both Ghost’s and Ghostees that when the right person comes along, Ghosting isn’t something to be worried about. Unless of course, he actually DOES get struck by lightning. And if that does happen, well, I would classify that as simply a case of good old fashioned karma.

So in the end, I guess we can put Ghosting in the Blessing category. Eventually. Way down the road when you’ve met The One, elusive as they may be. The real life man of your dreams who only makes excuses to spend more time with you (“Sorry Boss, I think I caught the flu….”). That’s when you can finally stop being afraid of ghosts, once and for all. And your scary dating past can become just another urban legend.

And finally, lets get back to good ol’ Jack Berger. What a piece of work this guy was. Do you remember how he broke up with Carrie? I know, I know- stupid question. Of course you do. It was the most incredible example of a douchebag you had EVER seen in your romantic life up to that point.

I’m sorry. I cant. Don’t hate me.

The Post-It. I bet it still makes you cringe. Except it shouldn’t. Not today anyways. Because we leave our own little break up Post-Its all the time. Except now we simply send them via text. So at the VERY least, thank Ghosting for saving you from having to deal with THAT.

And honestly, I have a lot to thank my own personal Ghosts for. They forced me to really look at myself and take responsibility. To grow up. And to accept that we don’t always get what we want- and that sometimes we SHOULDNT get what we want. And even more importantly, I gained the ability to take all the times that men made me feel like nothing, and then turn it into a big something. A voice. For you.

And as it turns out, I’m not as stupid as the ghosts in my life have made me feel.

LIBERATA DOLCE