Tag Archives: SATC

#BombshellCode, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

“Why Are You Still Single?”

November 5, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

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Recently, I read an article about a teacher who quit her job after no longer being able to withstand modern teaching methods. She watched as her students struggled and became frustrated when they were all forced to learn the same methods, the same way, at the same time. The students who weren’t able to grasp concepts the same way as others who picked them up quickly felt like there was something wrong with them. They wanted to learn- it wasn’t for lack of effort- they just needed a different process. And preferring to look like the “bad kid” instead of the “stupid kid”, they would act out. Or, they would simply give up all together.

I couldn’t help but notice the similarities with dating these days.

In a culture where everything is instant, socially broadcast and easily replaced, its easy to figure out who’s in love…. and who’s single. Its also equally easy to feel the pressure of your status more than ever- because apparently, it says A LOT about you. Accurate or not.

And as someone happily residing in Singleville, I. Am. Over. It.

As I’ve mentioned before, in my group of friends, I’m “that girl“. Notoriously single, and rather comfortable with it, I’m used to being questioned and prodded by my friends like a circus monkey. I cant really blame them- my dating life is WAY more comical than anything you’ll find on Netflix. And I don’t mind dishing. Plus, it kinda helps me cope with the trauma from bad dates with clueless fuck boys. Yes, wine and laughter really does cure ALL.

But as open as I am about my failed romances- and I use that term loosely- there is one question that I find not only unnecessary, but offensive:

Why are you still single?

Um, gee, well, it might be that chain letter I never forwarded back in 1998. Or my inability to cook. Or maybe, totally unbeknownst to me, I’m actually insane. Plus, I kinda dig cats. Oh, and I’m also vegetarian?

Or maybe- how about this: What business is it of yours?

To me, asking someone why they’re single is really just a polite way of asking what’s wrong with them. Like my current status in life is so horrible and unimaginable, there must be SOME reasonable explanation. This is when people usually reply with bullshit answers to avoid pity and make them look less grotesque and more human: I work too much… I’m just focusing on me right now… I’m waiting for Adam Levine to become available again (please God!!)… So, just to keep things fair, I usually just answer the question with another question:

How are you still not?

Pow. And this is the exact moment where everyone can grab their popcorn and wait for the shit show to begin. Because apparently asking someone for a reasonable explanation on how they’ve managed to find someone to put up with their flaws is frowned upon.

And that right there is what we call a double standard.

You get my point? I’m not damaged goods. I’m not unlovable. And I’m certainly not crazy. I’m not anything but me. Like the frustrated kids in class, I’m simply operating on a different system. And while my system may not be the same as yours, I’ll still get the right answer.

(And by the way- is it not complete irony that I was in all Honors classes??)

My point is, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. There’s no dark and twisty past. No fear of commitment. Except maybe to the wrong guy. So what if I haven’t followed a pre-determined timeline of dating, by basic methods, where the final exam is marriage. The SAT’s of love. And let me just say- there are quite a few of you that have already failed that one miserably.

Maybe I’m fine taking all the prep courses I can for now. So when the time comes to apply all that knowledge, I’ll knock it clear out of the park.

Maybe, while everyone else is cheating off each other’s papers, I’m simply concentrating on my own. On my time. My way.

And maybe… just maybe, I actually care so much about it, that I want to be the best one in the class. The Valedictorian of my life.

And in all honesty, looking back, my time being single has never been time wasted. I am someone who is constantly evolving. Constantly learning. Probably more so than others. And there has been no greater teacher than my time with my own self. And while I’m not saying there aren’t things to discover with the help of someone else, I am saying that you need to know yourself first. Cause any relationship prior to that isn’t a relationship at all- its a distraction.

So in case you haven’t caught on yet- being single has nothing to with anyone but ME. Forget the god awful quotes you read on Tumbler. You know which ones I’m talking about…

Yeah. Exactly. Stop posting that ridiculous shit. “Amazing” should be a no-brainer. It should be the bare minimum of traits in your significant other. It should not need a Pinterest board to remind you- or anyone else– of that. Instead, remind yourself of your own amazing attributes. They are SO much more interesting.

As we grow, we go through our own personal life experiences at different times. Our first date… Our first kiss… Our first love… Our second… Some people go on to Grad School. Some never even finish High School. These are the very factors that make each of us so beautifully unique. So why should anything else have an expiration date. There are no numbers stamped on me that say “Best by ##/##/####”. And yet here we all are, happily going on about our days, doing the best we can, trying to achieve our own goals. So just like all the other beautiful, unique factors that make you YOU, who is anyone to determine the timeline for all the things still to come?

So the next time someone asks why you’re still single- tell them the truth.

That you’re not single.

You’re fine.

In fact, you’re more than just fine-

You’re fabulous.

#BombshellCode

(Although I might start forwarding those chain letters- just in case… ;))

X

Confessions, Dating, Sorry I'm No Sorry

Online Dating- Welcome to Hell

August 24, 2015 Liberata 1 Comment

If you have found yourself single at any point in time during this last century, then you have no doubt put yourself through the ultimate form of social torture we call online dating.

You also probably did this because you heard about a friend of a friend, who somehow found the man of their dreams this way. They bonded over their mutual love for wine tastings and cooking, and the wedding is this fall. Apparently, it was love at first site. Its the adult urban legend.

But that was all you needed to hear as you mentally wrote out your “About Me”. You picture someone with the charm of George Clooney and the abs of Channing Tatum reaching out to you, begging to take you out for dinner. Obviously it will be love at first sight, and blissfully you’ll delete your accounts, together, while watching the sunset. And then YOU will be the next success story, told by your friend to another friend.

Except it hardly ever works out that way. Let me just clarify that for you now.

Now, I’m not saying there aren’t success stories. There really are people in my life getting married as a result. Think of the toast- “It all began when John sent Jane a wink…”. But I AM saying that there are a lot of horror stories that you must first be willing to subject yourself to first.

In a world oversaturated by social media, we could only expect that our love lives would eventually become involved. It is no longer suspected, but rather expected now that before a first date, your name has already been googled, your Facebook stalked, and all previous boyfriends sized up.

And as a result, your first impression was made looooong before you even set eyes on each other.

Suddenly it doesn’t seem so romantic now, does it?

As you may have already guessed, I myself am on a dating site. Though I am slightly unusual in the sense that I only belong to one. Current statistics will show most people join at least 3. I’m not sure where exactly people find the time for that, but I applaud their efforts (that is, hopefully, its effort and not just the desperation to get laid). Like most young professionals, I made the decision to join because I was “busy”. And MAJORLY over the bar scene. Plus, it seemed like a harmless way to put yourself out there without having to actually put yourself out there. At first it was kind of like window shopping for men.

It. Was. Awesome.

I could look all I wanted, communicate only if I was interested, and ultimately save myself A LOT of time. And bad dates.

Except men aren’t shoes. And judging someone off of a self-written profile is about as stupid as believing their pictures accurately describe how they will really look in person. No, seriously. I learned pretty quickly that 6 ft really means 5’10. Athletic Build really means Average, and Average really means A Few Extra Pounds. Oh- and 36 sometimes meant he’s turning 40 next month. Sometimes even 45 (ew…). But even if all the information wasn’t totally accurate, it was still enough to paint a general picture of someone in my mind. It was still enough for me to decide whether or not I wanted to try him on for size, so to speak. And as a result, I found myself becoming way too critical, judging men solely on their looks and/or jobs. Receiving tons of messages, I responded only to those that met my standards. And that was exactly how I realized my standards were bullshit.

So its no surprise that the dates I did go on were terrible. Well, most of them. I actually did meet some great people, some of which are still good friends. But in all fairness- I didn’t join to make friends. I joined for the hope of meeting “the one”. My potential other half. Because I want to be part of a true Power Couple- both hustling and living their dreams, together.

But all I really found were the exact types of men I purposely avoided in my day to day life: men that were womanizers, men that just wanted to get laid, men that were rebounding, men that were lazy… and even men that were only looking for green cards. And yes- you read that right.

So why do we continue to use them? Well that’s easy- because we have no other choice. The days of meeting your future husband in the grocery store are over. You can stop fantasizing about running into him in line at Starbucks. Forget locking eyes with him at Happy Hour. And why is that? Because he will most likely be looking at his phone, checking his inbox, flirting with 15 different girls on his 3 separate accounts, musing about who will put out first as he breezes right past you. Or because you’ll be too busy looking at yours, texting the same loser for the last week who’s really just too uninterested in you to commit to an actual date to even notice anyone else. Because we no longer live in the present, and instead fixate on any other form of communicating with one another other than actual communication.

And so even though my results have been less than impressive, my profile still exists. Even if its only for the sake of dating etiquette- if you’re single, its expected. In fact, its really the only way to declare yourself as “available” to others. Because its the only way people even know how to even inquire.

And really- because I still believe in the possibility.

That’s right.

Just the other night that belief was reaffirmed when I took a chance and met someone for coffee. I was already exhausted, and it would have been easy for me just to pass. But at the same time, I knew if I didn’t continue to try, I might as well just accept a life full of being exhausted now. And I’m NOT the girl who quits. And guess what? For the first time in a long time I was able to simply enjoy ones company. No drinking, no bragging, no interview-style questions. Just two people, in the moment, with the simple desire to learn more about one another (and in the end, maybe rip each others clothes off too- lets be serious here). And while there’s no telling where it will go, and too early to even guess, it was enough to restore my faith in the whole process. Enough to believe we are still capable of focusing on one individual, and for the right reasons. That we can still communicate, person to person. That we can connect- and in so many amazing ways (ways that your phone certainly cant do for you…). And while I still have visions of deleting my profile for good, it wont be because I simply gave up- It will be an act of no longer declaring myself as available. Sunset optional.

X

#BombshellCode, Dating, Model Life

Going Ghost: Today’s “I’m Just Not That Into You”

July 13, 2015 Liberata Leave a comment

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We all remember the episode. The iconic words spoken by the one and only Jack Berger to explain one of the greatest mysteries still numbing the female mind today. The mystery of dating someone you presume to be amazing. Someone who obviously finds you equally amazing. This is followed by the mystery of that very same person suddenly becoming (and staying) too busy for you. Till finally, here comes the wine filled investigation with your best P.I.’s/girlfriends on why- Maybe he really is busy? Nope. He scared of commitment? LOL. Maybe he’s sick? Wrong again. Maybe he’s out of town? Possibly- if the new town he’s visiting is named Veronica. And then of course, no girl rally is ever complete without someone fiercely declaring “It’s not you, it’s him!”. Well, that’s partially correct… because really…

“He’s just not that into you…”

And boom. Everything made sense. Just like that. 6 honest words was all it took for confused women around the globe to shove that loser out of their mind, strap on their Manolo’s, and get back in the game. No agonizing. No over analyzing. Just straight forward progression to meeting someone new. And it wasn’t because they were excited the guy didn’t like them- it was because they had CLOSURE. And logical closure at that. An understandable and relatable reason to no longer invest time or energy into someone. And then closure on your end would usually go something like this- “HE wasn’t into ME?? What an idiot. Well clearly the guy is delusional. And not to mention totally clueless on what size he actually wears. Thank God I found out now- I wonder if the Christian Grey look-a-like still goes to my Starbucks…? I need new shoes.”.

And just like that, you’re on to the next one. Not just the next one, but a sexier, funnier, smarter one. And hopefully richer. ALWAYS richer. If you’re not constantly upgrading the type of man you are dating, you are SO doing it wrong. #BombshellCode

But alas, that was then. And this… well, this is now.

Welcome to Generation Ghost.

The generation that decided just to skip the whole awkward “I’m sorry- I have to be up really early tomorrow” excuse and just straight up ignores you. This tactic can be deployed by either the male or female. Basically, whoever lost interest first, or found someone more interesting/hotter/taller/richer/dumber on Tinder. There are varying degrees of Ghosting, but in order for it to count as a full blown Ghost experience, the person must disappear out of the blue, with no logical reason or warning. I’m serious- you’re going to think they were struck by lightning. But usually a simple look at their social media will eliminate any doubt. In other words, if they can post a picture of their breakfast on Instagram, thereby confirming they still exist, but not respond to your text from 2 days ago, well… you can now consider your life the new sequel to Paranormal Activity.

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So here comes the real question about this new phenomenon- is it good or bad? Personally, I believe the answer depends on how fast you accept it- and react to it. In one way, we have eliminated the awkward and sometimes painful last minute date cancelations. There’s no need to come up with clever excuses as to why- food poisoning/my mom is sick/I have to wash my hair/I was in a tragic car accident that left me paralyzed. Cause we all know- the more incredulous the lie, the more believable it HAS to be.

But we’re also avoiding being honest. And more importantly- communication in general. This kind of treatment can only lead to one feeling disposable. I believe that no matter what the reason, we all deserve the right to know. You don’t have to believe it, or adjust your whole life/personality as a result of it- it IS just someone’s opinion after all. Like, if someone judged me for having too many clothes, I would point and laugh, and then move on happily. To Saks. Cause NO ONE needs that kind of negativity in their life. And look at that- in addition to a new dress for your next new (hotter/richer/funnier/smarter) date, you got honesty AND closure. Fuck yeah.

But when someone goes Ghost, you have two choices. Choice #1, you can be smart and recognize it. And I mean quickly. I’m not saying you should assume this is the case because a whole day went by without a text. But I WOULD say that you should start doing damage control and accept this could be the case. What you DO NOT do is start sending text after text. Which brings us to Choice #2, refusing to accept that anyone could be dumb enough to lose interest in you. So you’re going to spend the next few weeks over analyzing, texting, and feeling bad about yourself while figuring out what you did wrong. The fact is, someone IS dumb enough to lose interest in you. And that’s exactly how you have to look at it. That’s the thing with Ghosts- there will never be solid proof. Just a bunch of urban legends as to why he disappeared.

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Regardless of which route you take, this is the biggest challenge with Ghosting- the risk of OR belief in the Ghost coming back to life. With no closure, you can never really be sure. I mean, maybe he really WAS sick with the flu. For 3 months. With no ability to make contact cause he also had the Chicken Pox. And had to wear oven mitts. So he couldn’t text. I KNEW IT!!

Yep. He must be your Prince Charming. It just took 3 months worth of other women for him to see it.

You get my point? And just in case you’re still painfully unaware of the obvious, let me clarify- once someone goes Ghost, there is no coming back. Ever. Even Pet Cemetery couldn’t resuscitate this relationship. So exercise the demons. Preferably with a new man who actually does adore you. And puts you first. And puts all your fears of the paranormal at rest.

Take ownership and see the relationship, however long or short, for what it really was. Was it REALLY all that incredible? Or just convenient. Or maybe a little of both. Either way, chances are you’re going to look back and it will make sense as to why it didn’t work. And yes, a simple “Because he was a dick” is fine.

But finally, here is some good news with Ghosts. Unlike cheaters, ghosting is not an actual characteristic trait. So the whole “Once a cheater, always…” theory doesn’t apply here. It is still believed by both Ghost’s and Ghostees that when the right person comes along, Ghosting isn’t something to be worried about. Unless of course, he actually DOES get struck by lightning. And if that does happen, well, I would classify that as simply a case of good old fashioned karma.

So in the end, I guess we can put Ghosting in the Blessing category. Eventually. Way down the road when you’ve met The One, elusive as they may be. The real life man of your dreams who only makes excuses to spend more time with you (“Sorry Boss, I think I caught the flu….”). That’s when you can finally stop being afraid of ghosts, once and for all. And your scary dating past can become just another urban legend.

And finally, lets get back to good ol’ Jack Berger. What a piece of work this guy was. Do you remember how he broke up with Carrie? I know, I know- stupid question. Of course you do. It was the most incredible example of a douchebag you had EVER seen in your romantic life up to that point.

I’m sorry. I cant. Don’t hate me.

The Post-It. I bet it still makes you cringe. Except it shouldn’t. Not today anyways. Because we leave our own little break up Post-Its all the time. Except now we simply send them via text. So at the VERY least, thank Ghosting for saving you from having to deal with THAT.

And honestly, I have a lot to thank my own personal Ghosts for. They forced me to really look at myself and take responsibility. To grow up. And to accept that we don’t always get what we want- and that sometimes we SHOULDNT get what we want. And even more importantly, I gained the ability to take all the times that men made me feel like nothing, and then turn it into a big something. A voice. For you.

And as it turns out, I’m not as stupid as the ghosts in my life have made me feel.

LIBERATA DOLCE